I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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