remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
