I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
