Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
