Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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