Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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