one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
God I need to hump something, right now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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