Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
