im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
