i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
