Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
