I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
