beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
