u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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