After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
