I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
