Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The uberlube is also flammable
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
