I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
