Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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