He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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