you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
