Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
