omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
