Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
