i just wanna soil my oats bro
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
