The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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