Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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