New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and she was petting her beer can
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
