I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
