Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
