i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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