Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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