My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
