He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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