How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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