Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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