3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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