have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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