I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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