I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
