I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
