dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
