I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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