I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
