my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
