i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
