apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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