woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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