Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
