Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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